when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
