Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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