i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
