he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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