I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
