from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
