Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
