FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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