I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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