i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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