I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize