we're chasing vodka with high fives
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
