I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize