you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
