guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize