I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
