Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
