can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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