I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
