He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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