Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
