he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
