I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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