so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
