I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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