Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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