I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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