i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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