there's paper in my vomit.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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