Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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