He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
