I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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