I think I died a long time ago.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He keeps bees of course he's weird
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
