On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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