you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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