When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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