New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
