My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
