just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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