i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize