I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
