i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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