I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
All I want is dick and wine.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
