Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
