Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
