i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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