Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
So many bounce houses so little time
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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