i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
