so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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