shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
