Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
