Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
