he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
