i was rollin on her like bob the builder
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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