Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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