I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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