Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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