drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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